Thursday, July 12, 2007

Alpha Bits For Your Parenting Soul

Fatherhood has been a learning experience to say the least. Other than the Saturday parenting class at the "lady parts" doctor's office, we had no formal training preparing us for what we were about to endure. We were given almost every parenting guidebook on the shelves before birth, but after reading a few chapters I just couldn't take it anymore. When one book tells you something different than the next book and the next book, which is right? None of them, actually. People wrote those books knowing full well those tips and methods didn't work for them, either. They just happened to be good writers who thought they could make a buck or two by spewing advice in a book that should have been labeled "fiction" and sold alongside the Harry Potter series.

There is one book I enjoyed and read all of called, "Keeping the Baby Alive till Your Wife Gets Home." It is a humorous take on becoming a new parent. I like funny books so that is probably why I read it cover to cover. In the spirit of keeping parenting humor alive, I thought I might share some of the things I have learned since becoming a new dad. By no means is this a book I want to sell you or should you even take this advice. Nevertheless, here comes "Alpha Bits For Your Parenting Soul."

A - Always remember that even though you are the adult it doesn't mean you can scream the loudest. This is certainly true when two or more of your children practice synchronized screaming in the fruit and vegetable aisles at the grocery store while you frantically make a run for the beer and wine section.

B - Be careful when little ears are listening to you talk on the phone to your friends. One slip of the tongue and your child is teaching the preschool class new words that will get you a phone call from the teacher.

C - Cremating your deceased pets and having their ashes returned in a box will intrigue your toddler and creep you out a little bit.

D - Don't forget to pack an extra change of underwear and clothes for your son who drinks too much juice and can't make it to the bathroom on time. If you don't, he will end up wearing his best friend's underwear. You will also have to break the news to him someday that he wore his best friend's Superman tighty whities and they were too big.

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Emma Sometimes said...


L is for Lamaze, a breathing technique you ditch out the window when the labor pains really start to hurt.

Dana said...

I really wish I could have had these "Alpha Bits" when my kids are younger.